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Going Through the Motions

May 13, 2010

Going Through The Motions

Life has thrown me my fair share of curve balls lately. The most recent has been another bout of unbalanced thyroid hormones. I contracted the flu in December along with a nasty recurring sinus and lung infection that hung on until March. Then the migraines started and exhaustion creeped up on me and before I knew it I’d spent six months doing essentially nothing but going to work, coming home, and climbing into bed like I hadn’t slept a wink in a month.

Tests revealed that my hypothyroidism has once again become unbalanced and they upped my meds, but instead of starting to get better, my symptoms seem to be getting worse. I remind myself that the stronger doses will take time to work and elevate my T3 and T4 levels and it has only been five days.

My entire system is out of whack and I feel like I’ve just been playing at life for half a year…going through the motions…trying to keep it all together and look normal (whatever that is?!).  I worry about my job because lack of appropriate thyroid levels turns my brain to jelly and by mid-afternoon each day my mental capacity tanks and it is only force of will that gets me through the last few hours of the work day.  Actually, it’s only force of will that gets me to do anything these days.  I am exhausted.  Spent.  Completely devoid of energy.  Waking, getting clean and dressed then getting to work absolutely wears me out and that’s after 10 hours of sleep…sometimes more…

All of the things that used to bring me joy just seem like chores now. My home life is falling apart because I can’t keep up with things and the smallest task seems insurmountable. I force myself to do one household thing each work day.  On Mondays I gather the garbage and take it out and it takes me all evening because I have to rest in between collecting the trash from the little cans on each floor of the house. Another night I try to wash some dishes. Cooking all but the simplest of meals is beyond me. Thank goodness feeding the cats only requires that I open a few cans and I’ve been using disposable bowls.  I do feel guilty about not playing with them as much as I used to and I can tell they miss it.

Still, I managed to hang onto my positive attitude until earlier this week when another symptom of hypothyroidism came crashing down upon me…depression. Usually depression is the first symptom to appear when my thyroid is out of whack, but this time it was a straggler. I want to feel like I’m doing a good job at work. I want to plant my garden. I want to make some art. I want to do more than just work and sleep. When I’m struggling like this I want people to be able to see it as a disability (even if it is eventually managed), but instead it is often assumed that I’m just lazy…that I don’t care…that I’m taking advantage in some way.  And that’s untrue. I’m sick and it often takes months to get me back to my own perception of wellness.

Until then I’ll continue to drag myself through the motions and be sad about my inability to find joy in, or even do, the things that used to make me happy. I’m just trying to hold my life together while both my work and home life seem to be falling apart.

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